My Very Terrible, Cliche, No Good, Very Bad Query Letter

To Whom it May Concern:

I am sending you this letter because I'm writing a book called KISS ME, SUCK ME, YOU DIE. I'm not sure what the genre is, but I'm thinking it will either be Urban Fantasy Thriller or Paranormal Romance.  So far I've written 270K and I'm just about halfway through the story and thought you might be interested in reading what I have so far. I read that you like Edgy Contemporary and Dystopian/Apocalyptic stories and thought you would be a great match for my work!

Sixteen year old, Majestic Murphy, has considered having her name legally changed to Plain Jane cause that's what she is. She also has the balance and coordination of a baby making its first attempt to walk, but for some reason every gorgeous rich guy at her school is completely drawn to her and vying for her attention.

What nobody knows is Stacy holds the secret that could mean the ultimate destruction to all vampires until one day one of those vampires, the head cheerleader for the varsity football team, bites Stacy in a jealous rage after finding out her boyfriend (and football team quarterback) wants to hook up with Stacy. Within in seconds, the cheerleader drops dead on the floor (well, technically, she's already dead, but you know what I mean). Her body begins to sparkle and then it disintegrates into a pile of silver shimmering dust.

Why does this happen? Well, you'll have to read more of the book to find out. Actually, I haven't written that part of the story yet, but if you are interested in representing me, I can have the book finished for you in a jiffy. I have attached a document with what I have so far (the first 57 chapters) and I look forward to hearing from you. I know you'll love my story. My eleven year old sister read some of it and she LOVED it. I also let my 83 year old next door neighbor, Mrs. Schiedner, read some of it, but her memory's been a little wonky lately and she keeps re-reading the first chapter over and over cause she forgets what she read. But every time I ask her what she thinks she says she LOVES the first chapter, so at least she's been consistent in how she feels about the beginning. Can't wait to hear from you!

Sincerely,

Ms. Keebler




haha...this was fun! (of course this is not my attempt at a real query letter!!!!! it's just a joke, people.)